11rl0902imr - 100% God

I know God watches and protects me. I know He loves me and is involved in my life. But throughout my relationship with Him I have struggled with giving Him all. Any task He wants me to do, I will go and do it, but when it comes to surrendering every part of myself, I start to squirm.

The process of surrender will be a lifetime one I think. I am an independent person. I fight my own battles and don't like to think I need help from anyone, even my creator.

It's ridiculous to hold onto myself so tightly. But I wait and try to figure everything out until I end up so tangled in a situation that I have to accept I can't fix it on my own.

A couple months ago, around Christmas, God woke me up to how I had been living. He showed me through the love of friends that He is paying attention to everything I do and wants to be included. He wanted me to release the things I keep buried deep in my heart. The things no one knows but me. I sat on my bed confused with feeling both the joy of God's deep love for me, and the old struggle of not wanting to let go.

The irony of the situation was, I was trying to let go on my own. Realizing that I have never been able to do that I said:

"God, You deserve all of me. Help me to surrender to You. Come into the deepest part of my heart, and fill it with Your light so nothing is hidden from You."

It's difficult to explain what I felt after that. I began to sob like I never have before (And I cry alot!) I felt so raw and vulnerable, but had total trust in God. It was a moment I had been waiting for my whole christian walk. A moment of 0% me, and 100% God.