11rl0902imr - i am really just like him.

"And in my best behavior, I am really just like him."

John Wayne Gacy Jr. seemed like your average American man
from the outside looking in. He
had had a troubled childhood, but he was adored by his neighbors, and seemed
like just a normal kid. Contrary to what everyone would have thought, John Wayne
Gacy Jr. grew up to be a serial killer.
Not only was he just a serial killer, he specifically murdered teenage
boys. John Wayne would dress up
like a clown, undress them and kiss them before taking their lives. They found twenty-seven teenage boys
rotting beneath John Wayne Gacy Jr.'s house.

Sufjan Stevens wrote a song about John Wayne Gacy Jr, the
last line of the song being, "And in my best behavior, I am really just like
him. Look beneath the floor boards
for the secrets I have hid."

This is my greatest failure:
failing to come to terms with the fact that I am just like John Wayne Gacy
Jr. I can tell myself that I used
to be "more sinful" than I am now, and that I should write this blog about
those "more sinful" periods of my life, but it would be a lie. All sin is counted equal, even the sin
I so often find myself brushing off as "no big deal."

In fact, the times where I feel
that I am in the most sin are the times when I'm not physically doing anything
wrong. It's when I fall into
self-righteousness, jealousy, and being judgmental even when it appears that
I'm at the top of my game. Since
rededicating my life to Christ the summer after my sophomore year of high
school, I have cleansed myself of the physical sin I was in. I changed my group of friends, I got
more involved in school and in youth group, but I still would feel those lows
that I used to feel like no other.
From outside of the friend circle I used to be a part of, it was so easy
to judge the heck out of those people to get my satisfaction, to convince
myself that I made the right decision.
But it was so unfulfilling.

My greatest redemption:
community. The very next school
year God brought amazing people into my life. They were the Christian community I needed, and the people
who still help me everyday to be the person and the Christian that I want to
be. We love and support each other
in everything we do, but even more importantly we keep each other
accountable. We help each other to
love God with our thinking, instead of judging or coveting. Instead
of being just like John Wayne Gacy.
God has truly blessed me so much with the community He provided for me. Even though battling this
type of sin will be a lifelong struggle, His redemption will never fail.