I had fallen into a routine of self reliance, trying to handle it all myself, and therefore pushing God off to the side. You see, God has really blessed my life, though my family is far from perfect and there have been hard times, they are really wonderful. They love me and the Lord...and what else really matters? So, I never learned how to rely on God.

         It sounds dumb when I say it, but the truth is I used to secretly wish that something dramatic or tragic would happen to me. Not that I was a masochist or liked pain, I just thought that if something like that happened, it would MAKE me depend on God. Though I never really realized it at the time, I felt like I had to 'go through something' to prove myself to God. I wanted to trust Him, but I couldn't grasp the idea that what God truly wanted from me was daily surrender. And I was definitely not submitting to Him.

         Handling pressure has never been a strong point for me, I'm weak, I break under pressure and turn into someone I don't even like. As high school progressed I became more and more short tempered and had a bigger and bigger attitude. Then in the summer before senior year, I bumped into God. Actually, it was more like He hit me with a bus...yep, God is pretty powerful!

         He showed me what it was like to be passionate about Him, and taught me the power of His love. I found a deeper relationship with Him, I found the Holy Spirit, or more like He found me.

         Though the Spirit had been living inside of me since age 6, it was almost like my lack of faith put Him in hibernation. My faith was dormant, but when I asked He answered and brought new life into my heart. The winter was over and spring had come. I was no longer going to be passive about my faith, but passionate!

         I had forgotten about the joy of Christ's presence, but He never forgot about me. Christ had been waiting to teach me, to show me the peace I could have if I really gave my daily life to Him. He wants us to have life, and life more abundantly! (John 10:10) And that's the life I've found in Him.